From Marianne: I Almost Negotiated Against Myself 🤝

I had to negotiate something recently. Money was involved, which made it worse. And let me tell you, despite my reputation, I was not born with the hardball gene.

My instinct is to be way too nice. I start worrying about the other person, their feelings, their reaction, their dog, their childhood... and before I know it, I've given away the farm.

This time I really wanted to get it right.

So I called a close friend who negotiates contracts for a living. And he asked me a question that changed everything.

"If you start at the number you actually want, and the other person comes back with a lower offer, how are you going to feel about that?"

Oh. Right.

I'd been so worried about asking for too much that I was about to ask for too little. He helped me understand that I needed to start above where I hoped to land, without being ridiculous about it, and leave myself room to negotiate. Of course, I managed to undercut myself in my first attempt anyway. We were still miles apart. So I went back to my friend.

We talked through the possible outcomes, what was fair, what I could live with, and what I actually believed I deserved. But the most helpful part wasn't even the negotiating strategy. It was having a voice of reason. Someone who could help me think things through without all the emotion I'd attached to them. And slowly, the scary part got smaller.

Something unexpected happened, too. I started to enjoy it! The more I understood what I was asking for and why, the more confident I felt. And the more confident I felt, the better I was. Who knew I was secretly a negotiator at heart?  We landed on something that felt fair to both sides. I didn't win in some aggressive, chest-pounding way. I just didn't fold. And that felt like enough.

Here's what I want every woman reading this to hear: so many of us don't speak up for ourselves. We give away the farm before anyone even asks. We stay quiet because we don't want to seem difficult, demanding, or like too much. And sometimes we cave just because we're scared of an uncomfortable conversation.

Believe me, every step of the way I was tempted to say, "Forget it, I'll just pay the whole thing." But that wouldn't have been fair to myself.

What I learned is that confidence doesn't show up before you start. You get it by doing the uncomfortable thing and by thinking through the outcomes. By knowing your number. And, if you're lucky, by having someone sensible in your corner who can remind you that asking for what's fair isn't the same as being mean.

Honestly, the best part is not having this hanging over me anymore. The peace afterward is the real prize.