Stop Saying These Things to People With Social Anxiety

(Even if your heart’s in the right place)

We love a good party. But let’s be real—not everyone does. For someone with social anxiety, even a casual get-together can feel like a pressure cooker. And while most of us mean well, the “helpful” things we say can sometimes make it worse.

Social anxiety isn’t just being shy or not liking crowds. It’s a real physiological and emotional storm. And the wrong words—even said with the best intentions—can leave someone feeling smaller instead of supported.

Here’s what not to say, and why.

10 Things to Avoid Saying

1. “Just relax.”
   If they could, they would. Saying this just adds pressure and implies they’re failing at something everyone else finds easy.
   
   

2. “You’re so quiet.”
   They know. Pointing it out confirms their biggest fear—that everyone notices and is silently judging them.
   
   

3. “Just be yourself!”
   Sounds freeing, but it’s not. Their fear is that being themselves will get them judged. It feels like a trap, not encouragement.
   
   

4. “It’s not that big of a deal.”
   It is to them. Dismissing their fear invalidates their experience and makes them feel like the problem, not the situation.
   
   

5. “You’re overreacting.”
   This tells them their feelings are “wrong.” They’re not overreacting—they’re reacting from a different nervous system baseline.
   
   

6. “No one’s even looking at you.”
   They feel like they’re under a spotlight. Minimizing it doesn’t make it go away—it makes them feel misunderstood.
   
   

7. “You just need a drink.”
   Alcohol isn’t a cure. It can actually make anxiety worse. Suggesting it as a fix makes it seem like the only way to cope is to numb out.
   
   

8. “You’ll be fine.”
   They’re not worried about later. They’re worried about right now. What helps isn’t blind optimism, but real backup.
   
   

9. “You’re being dramatic.”
   Social anxiety isn’t an act. Comments like this trivialize a condition that’s very real and very tough to live with.
   
   

10. “Why don’t you just say hi?”
    What feels simple to you can feel like a cliff-jump to them. Small talk isn’t small—it’s high-wire work when you’re wired for anxiety.
    
    

✅ What to Say Instead

If you want to help, swap the throwaway lines for words that reassure and create safety. Try things like:

• “Want to come with me? We can step out if it’s too much.”
  

• “I see you. I get it. I’ve got your back.”
  

• “You don’t need to perform. Just having you here means a lot.”
  

• “Let me know if you want to leave early—I’m good either way.”
  

• “You’re doing great. Seriously.”
  
  

The Bottom Line

Social anxiety can turn an ordinary moment into an uphill climb. What makes the difference isn’t pushing someone to “get over it,” but letting them know they’re not alone. A little empathy, a little patience, and the right words can help more than you realize.

Listen to the talk:

  Originally aired on 09/12/25 for WGN Radio 720.